Happy Birthday Julia!

Today is "my" Julia's 8 th birthday! I know...I can hardly believe it myself. I feel like one of those old aunties that pinch kids' cheeks out of disbelief of their growth. Obviously she is growing and getting older...as she should be...but I think it's always shocking when you don't see that person enough to WITNESS the growth. You know?

Her birth story is so fresh in my memory so maybe that is another reason it's hard to believe that it was EIGHT years ago!!

For those of you that are reading this with the most confused look on your face, Julia is "my" baby that I gave up for adoption eight years ago today. I say "my" in quotes because God always gave me such peace about the fact that she was never really mine. I never felt connected to the pregnancy like I did with Tyler. I had an unreal excitement for her parents Melissa and Greg to be a part of as much as they could--I was just their Phoebe.

Not that I didn't cry or feel pain or sadness, but God really protected me from ever crossing the line of "I can't do this." He gave me a great peace about the bigger picture.

I had moved to a new city, made a strong bond with long lost friends stronger, attended a new church and was trying to move on...and then.....I started to get leg cramps and realized that I was indeed pregnant again. But all of the sudden I was smart and mature (sort of :) and had a clear mind about what to do next. I rejected what I think was a proposal, but since that relationship had MORE than died...a few times, I said the necessary things and moved on! I sought out counseling at church and the shoulder and ears of a dear DEAR friend. All which led me to Bethany Christian Services; the adoption agency in Bellingham.

There I received more counseling and more support, but the best thing I took away from there was a real sense of what Christians were like--in real life. Loving, helpful, sweet, my friends, and accepting. The only person in my life that made me feel cheap or damaged was....ME !

After pulling 3 profiles to pray over, I still really knew that Melissa and Greg were THE ones. They had pictures that I could relate to of trips they had taken--some of which were the same trips that I had taken. Pictures of their nieces and nephews, grandparents and friends. There was no doubt that this baby girl was going to be surrounded with love. I also liked that Melissa and Greg didn't have any other kids, but had been married for about six years already. Both had great jobs and valued education. One thing that stuck out for me too was that they said "no matter what, God is and will always be the center of our marriage/lives." That just made sense. (and not to say that these other couples I had pulled profiles on were bad...they were just the chosen parents of someone elses baby--and you can only pick one family! :)

The kicker with Melissa and Greg was that they lived in Maryland. Which is really far from Bellingham, WA. But after meeting with them, they were so great. I think that in different circumstances we would probably have been friends anyway--they were those kind of people. They came to a doctors appointment with me where we got to hear the heart beat, and then we headed over to the ultrasound where we found out all together she was a baby GIRL. Greg was crying so much. And they just kept explaining to me that most adoptive parents don't ever get to be a part of the pregnancy, and kept thanking me and hugging me.

I honestly don't know if Julia had been my first child if I would have felt differently. Unsettled. Selfish. I don't know...because this is the way it played out. Who Melissa and Greg are and their love for the baby they didn't know outweighed any feelings of doubt. Again, just more Peace.

With such a geographical gap between us, it wasn't very likely that they were going to be at the birth, but I tried to "hold it." I really did. Until I had heard they couldn't get a flight out till first thing in the morning, then I said OKAY get this baby out of me! :) Among other crazy things I have been told of since then, which we will keep silent--NINA!

When Julia was born she just seemed SO tiny. She was. She was only 6 pounds 2 ounces and 19 inches long. For me, that's a small baby. And compared to my monster baby Tyler who was almost 1 and wore shoes and jeans. (Tyler was 8 # 11oz, Jessica 8# 8oz, Isaac was 8# 12oz)

I have very vivid memories of being in the hospital those few days. Isn't funny the things that stick but for the life of me, I couldn't tell you ANYTHING about my high school geometry class! Sheesh. Anyway, I remember one of the nurses came in to have me feed Julia. I sort of laughed and said "ummm NOPE! Her parents will be here soon and I'm sure they will want to bottle feed her." I still think this is funny--the nurse felt TERRIBLE and I later found out that was a huge no no...I guess it says on ALL of the paperwork at every turn that this was an adoption. :)

I also remember how quiet it was in my room. Maybe because it was never quiet in my house with a talkative one year old. Maybe it was just strange to be alone in a hospital room with no baby in my arms. Maybe the Lord just knew He wanted my undivided attention.

But the best memory of the hospital time was crawling in bed with Melissa and just starring at Juila while she slept all wrapped up in her hospital blanket. (which I still have) We just talked about how pretty she was and talked about labor and other things. There happened to be an empty room the first night they arrived and my room got too quiet so I went and found them and crawled right in! Greg slept in the window seat bed for the first shift. They agreed that at least one of them would be up with the baby at all times--even if she was sleeping. :)

Two days later we had what they call a Placement Ceremony. My pastor was there, mom, Patti, the Bethany Staff, Melissa, Greg, Julia and me. Everyone else was down in the chapel waiting for me and I brought Julia down. I sat next to Melissa and my pastor prayed over me and Julia, and then I physically handed Jules over to Melissa. Then we prayed for Julia and Melissa and Greg. Again, Greg was crying. He's a big guy. Maybe that's why it's sort of funny that he would cry more than us ladies! :)

And then it was time to go home. I can't quite remember if we had made plans to see each other before they flew home, but I don't remember worrying about it either.

Something struck us (mom, Patti and me) so funny as we left. It was SO odd having a baby and leaving the hospital empty handed. I had just done that a year earlier but I got to keep that baby and all the gear and fears that came along with him. And we just kept giggling all the way over to Arby's. (I was starving) The cashier said to us, you ladies are having too much fun. And mom just replied "Lady, you don't even know the half of it."

I'm sure laughter might be the most surprising of all the emotions one would feel at this time, but I honestly feel like it was the only one we hadn't felt yet. It was cleansing.

Since that day, I have gone through many more emotions. Most of which have all been pure joy and love for this new family that God allowed me to help create.
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Being a semi-open adoption, I have received pictures and letters, but don't know information like their address or even their last name. Which is fine. I don't need to know that to know that she's fine.

I should be getting a new set of pictures in the next few weeks. They like to wait until after her birthday to include party pictures. We started out getting them at 3 mos, 6, 9 and 12 mos. Then it moved to twice a year till she was 5. Then dropped down to now once a year, and those will continue till she is 18. I have been scrapbooking all of them, so if you're ever wanting to see it, I am MORE than happy to show it off.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. My hope is that you take away how incredible God's perfect plan is and that you rest in that peace--whatever your story may be.